Sorry that I failed me yesterday and nearly gave in to that part of me that has, in the past, lead me to a dark place with dark thoughts and hopelessness. I do feel guilty because I should not allow my mind to wander off to negativity. It really sucks that feeling negative is so much easier than feeling positive. Or maybe it’s just me…
Yesterday I felt incredibly discouraged and defeated. I felt punished (I’m not even religious!) and beaten down emotionally. I thought about that bright future I created in my mind and I just saw black smoke destroy it with a tragic end. Every thing that I had hopes for seemed unreachable. All the goals I made for myself seemed impossible to attain. All I did was cry and cry. I was panicking! I told myself, ” I can’t do this.”
I have always been proned to getting easily depressed. I’ve suffered from anxiety since I was a child. I have learned to cope and manage that but I will admit how difficult it is to do that during chemotherapy. It’s so easy to give in. No effort is needed. You just slide in to the dark but sometimes it snatches you unexpectedly and that is what I don’t want.
Today I do feel better. And that makes me happy. I want to continue with my plan to getting better and beating this Cancer. I am lucky to have my partner by my side because she is the one who helps me get through these moments. She said all the right things and made me laugh even when I was so down.
I don’t have breasts, I don’t have hair, I am my rawest but… I am happy to be half way done with chemotherapy! Three down, three more to go!! I’m ready for the pain to start, the nausea, the fatigue, the loss of taste, the dry skin, the neuropathy etc., but I’ll fight it like a fairy warrior!! Be nice week one!!
Then after chemotherapy I continue Herceptin for 12 more rounds plus another possible anti hormone therapy that my oncologist wants to discuss with me after chemotherapy.
One of the hardest things after being diagnosed with Cancer was leaving my job so suddenly. It was hard for me to leave my students so I cannot imagine how hard it was for them to not have their teacher anymore. I couldn’t finish the school year with my students but a few days ago I went to visit them. I was very nervous because I was going back looking different than how the students last saw me. But they knew I would look different. Before I had to leave them, I talked to them about why I had to leave and they understood. They were sad but I had promised them that if I felt good, I would visit them before they went on summer vacation. And so I did. At first they were very silent and they stared in a concerned way. I can understand why. I didn’t have hair and not much makeup on. They probably expected me to look the same. I wore a head scarf but still, I hope they weren’t frightened! I came in the classroom with a smile and told them how much I missed them. They told me the same and asked me if I was coming back the next day. I sadly said no, but told them that I would see them when school starts again.
I sure hope to start the school year on time. I hope all goes well with my treatments because I want my job back. I miss my routines. I miss everything. I miss my life.
I had to blur the cute faces!
Letters I got from all the second graders including my students!!
3 months before my diagnosis, my sisters, my girlfriend and I were talking about cancer. I am not sure what started the conversation but I told them, “If I ever get cancer, I’ll die, I won’t be able to handle it, I won’t be strong enough to fight.” I was teary but after seeing their concerned faces, I automatically felt bad for saying that. I know they were not surprised that I would say something like that but I also know that that was not something they had wished to hear from me. It was an awful thing to say, but getting cancer had always been a fear of mine. I thought that my mind and body would not be able to fight and eventually give up. I thought that getting Cancer would be my end. But here I am with cancer, fighting with my mind, body and soul!
Then a few days before my biopsy results, my girlfriend opened a fortune cookie that read, “An alien of some sort will be appearing to you shortly!”
“I don’t want cancer” I silently cried.
My girlfriend consoled me and said that no matter what she will be right by my side.
“You’ll be my alien faerie.”
Illustration by Juanpinoy on DeviantArt
I have been unsure if I should be chasing the emotions I want to feel or if I should let them come to me but what I am sure of is that I have to let go of the guilt and blame. When I got diagnosed with Breast Cancer I automatically felt angry at myself for not going in to get checked sooner.
My right breast was changing. My right nipple was moving downwards so I googled “Depro Provera and breast changes” because I had taken the Depro Provera Shot about 3 months before I noticed breast changes and I read that this shot can cause breast changes so i didn’t think of these changes as a concern. But they were concerning and I felt concerned with these changes. I should have listened to my body. I should have gone to the doctors. If I had gone to the doctors during this time I probably wouldn’t have needed a mastectomy or chemotherapy. I probably would have caught the Cancer at stage zero and my surgery and treatments would have been different. I wonder a lot about the “What if’s” knowing very well that I have to let go of the unknown and just be present for the known. I have to let go of these negative feelings that I know are keeping me from feeling the emotions that I desire to feel during this time.
It’s been 6 days since my last chemo infusion and I can feel my body coming back to life already.
It was definitely a different experience from the first infusion. During the first infusion, I felt very calm and peaceful. The infusion lasted about 6 hours and I got home tired but the major symptoms didn’t begin until Day 3. The nausea was worse during the first time around but this time I felt the drugs more intense. I experienced back pain and stomach pain during most of the infusion. I got home feeling fatigued and with continued back and stomach pain. As each day passed, I felt weaker, like a hollow feeling as if I did not have anything in my interior. It was frightening me because I didn’t experience that feeling during my first chemo infusion. There was no escape from those feelings but to still be and being is what I truly want despite all the pain.
The fascinating truth is that the body is so amazing and capable of fighting such a harsh battle and then recuperating. I am grateful for this. I didn’t know my body was this strong! I am going to win my dream of beating this!
But…I am still hunting down some emotions and will capture those I’ve been seeking. I want to feel pride, I want to feel brave, I want to feel that strength, I want to feel confident and I wish to feel like a warrior. I want to feel that.